The Madness of Wufei
by WRE
Summary: Welcome to The Madness of Wufei; Tales of the Weird and Wonderful. Many very strange, very small stories involving Wufei. There're only two so far but...you'll like them, whether or not you like the Wu-man...I promise!! On with the show? It's your cal


The Tale of Master Long-Words and WuSpritzer by The Dorothy of Death ****

The Madness of Wufei; Tales of the Weird and Wonderful

The Tale of Master Long-Words and WuSpritzer by The Dorothy of Death

Once upon a time there lived an old man named Master Long-Words, so called because of his love of ridiculously lengthy wording. However, he wasn't too smart and it was only once in a blue moon that he actually used an officially long word - most of the time he just drew out each word until it was practically long enough to take up a whole day.

Master Long-Words had a son called WuSpritzer. WuSpritzer's full name was Time WuSpritzer, but he preferred to be known as plain old boring WuSpritzer. He had shoulder length shiny black hair, and was pretty enough so that people who met him for the first time thought he was a girl. He had a white rabbit called Nataku who, he believed, had created the universe and everything in it.

One day WuSpritzer went out, carrying Nataku in a plastic bag labeled "SafeWays". He spent a fun day checking out the price of katanas in the local grocers (which had recently started to sell weapons also in an attempt to win more customers), reading a pleasant book on honour and justice called "The Big Book of Honour and Justice", and line dancing by himself in a field when he thought nobody was looking.

On his way back to the bridge where he and his father Master Long-Words lived, some big fat guys came up to him, wearing matching T-Shirts saying "OZ - I'm in the Operation Zodiac fan club" on the front. (WuSpritzer guessed that Operation Zodiac was some rubbishy pop band or something. Personally, he didn't like music much, it tended to distract him from the interesting conversations he and Nataku had when they went searching out the meaning of the universe as it is today and trying to see how and where the balance of justice and injustice fit into the modern day life of an ordinary freak) The guys were really ugly and they didn't look too bright. Or too scary either, really. They were only threatening at all, in fact, because they were at least five times WuSpritzer's size.

"Nice dress," one of them said, leering at him.

WuSpritzer looked down.

"Fuck!" He'd forgotten to take off his red-and-white-checked line dancing skirt.

"I tried to tell you!" Nataku whispered. That was when he realised he had left Nataku in the field.

"Goddamned.. I am having _such_ a bad day…"

"What's the matter, love? Scared of us?"

WuSpritzer was about to reach for his brand new sword (only £2.99 at Gary's Grocers and Illegitimate Supplier of Lethal Weapons - for sprouts and swords, for bread and bombs, for guns and green-leaf-tea, Gary's the Man so Come on In!!!) when he realised he didn't need it to beat these fools. He pulled it out anyway, because he loved to show off new stuff, and glared at them.

"Well at least my T-shirts don't match!!!"

The guys' eyes filled with tears and they whimpered simultaneously (WuSpritzer told himself to write that one down and teach it to his dad) and WuSpritzer didn't realise that what he'd said made no sense whatsoever until the guys had run off, fearing for their lives and crying for their mummy.

So, WuSpritzer took of the skirt, realised he had left his trousers in the field along with Nataku (and his book), blushed, put the skirt back on, and sprinted to the field to get all of his things. 

He finally arrived home to the bridge about an hour later. He sat down and dangled his feet in the water, cursing as he ruined the shoes he'd only got two weeks ago and his favourite pair of pink fluffy socks. He swore continuously until his dad arrived, when he had to stop because if he didn't he'd get sent to bed without any tea.

"Hhhhhheeeeeeeeeeelllllllooooooooooooo ssssssooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!" Master Long-Words greeted WuSpritzer. (Now you get the picture and Master Long-Word's long words will be written normally - imagine them as above, would you please.)

"Hey," WuSpritzer replied dejectedly.

"What's wrong WuSpritzer?"

"I had a bad day, that's all dad."

"Oh, that reminds me, I had to tell you something very important."

"…"

"Well, go on, say what?"

"…"

"Never mind. Time WuSpritzer…"

"I told you never to call me that!!"

"…I am your father!!!!!!!"

"Uh…dad? I know you're my dad. That's why I call you dad."

"NO! No, no I got it wrong! I am NOT YOUR FATHER!!"

"Oh cool! Can I move out then?"

Master Long-Words' eyes filled up, and his bottom lip trembled.

"You…you want to move…ooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuttttttttttt?" (The word "out" was here SO long, that even having been made a thousand times shorter than real-life it is still pretty long.)

"Yeah! You know, no offence old man, but I would rather fight for justice in space…if that's alright…"

"But…" Snif. "But you…oh alright." Snif. "It just so happens, I had a mobile-suit made for you to go into space in. What a coincidence.. It is new. And strong!"

"Cool! Strong stuff is good, weak stuff is bad, I read that in a book today…you know, you learn something EVERY day, don't you just? But, dude, what's a mobile-suit? I'm taking a space-rocket, man!"

And so WuSpritzer packed all his belongings in two plastic-bags and went to space, leaving Master Long-Words crying on the bridge they used to share. Presently, Master Long-Words became so depressed that he got a bomb from Gary's and stood by it, waiting for it to go off - he didn't want to live any more. The bomb failed to detonate, and after five hours, Master Long-Words realised he hadn't turned it on yet. He kicked it, and it exploded, as bombs will. Everyone on the colony was killed, in fact the whole colony was blown away, but Master Long-Words did not die. At least, not until he was able to get on the vid-screen to WuSpritzer and say;

"Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu Feeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii…"

WuSpritzer would have stared at him in horror and cried;

"Master Long-Words! ………you got my name wrong!! How COULD you!!"

However, he didn't, because he didn't notice. He was busy staring lovingly into the eyes of some red haired guy who called himself Twelve Cooked-Bananas. WuSpritzer guessed that this wasn't his real name, but he didn't care - he was in love. 

WuSpritzer had forgotten one thing. Nataku. As it turned out, the rabbit HAD created the universe - he wasn't just a mentalist. The times she had talked to him and he had thought he was imagining it but pretended not to think he was imagining it because it was so cool to have a talking rabbit, he hadn't been imagining it. Nataku really WAS the supreme being. In fact, she was the life-force of the universe itself, and without her nothing at all could exist… 

WuSpritzer had left Nataku on the colony. 

And the colony had blown up. 

Just then, the universe ended.

* * *

Wufei Cooks an Egg

SubtitledWufei says ho-hum by The Dorothy of Death

One day Wufei got an egg, and put it in a frying pan. Then, he took it out of the frying pan, took it out of it's shell and cursed as it went everywhere. Then, he got another egg, took it out of it's shell above the frying pan and watched it worriedly as he waited for it to cook. It didn't seem to be cooking…he wasn't sure it should be that shade of fuschia pink either… He poked it every now and again to check it wasn't alive. It wasn't alive…at any rate, if it was it was asleep. 

Three days later, Wufei was still there, the egg still not having cooked. He refused to give up, but was beginning to think it would be a good idea. He added that to his list of Wufei's-reasons-to-not-give-up-when-your-egg-is-lethargic-and-pink-and-won't-cook and continued to not-give-up.

"Ho-hum," he said and poked the egg with the TV remote control, as he had every hour on the hour for the past day-and-a-half. The egg was now a nasty shade of purple…but still it was not cooked. When it was, he knew, it would turn white with a little yellow circle in the very centre. What could he be doing wrong, he wondered. He decided he was not being patient enough, burst into tears, bewailed his own un-worthiness to cook eggs, told himself off for being so impatient, and prayed to Nataku asking her to give him endurance.

Four more days later, Duo came bouncing in with Heero in tow.

"Hey hey hey Wu Wu Wu Feeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!" he bellowed. 

Wufei grimaced.

"Ho-hum," he replied, malevolently glaring at both of them.

"Yep. I agree. Whatcha doing?"

"Cooking."

Duo stared dubiously at the egg and poked it with Heero's finger.

"Uh…do you need any…help?" he asked. Heero licked his finger, looked disgusted and nodded vigorously.

"No," Wufei answered.

Duo grinned and pulled his Wufei-to-English dictionary from Heero's shorts. He flicked through it.

"Ahem," he began importantly. "No; YES."

Trowa and Quatre climbed in through the window, clapped, and left. Duo bowed.

"Alright then, since you asked so nicely we'll help, won't we Heero?"

"Hn," Heero said and pointed at the gas oven that was over the other side of the room. They left and Wufei, having begged forgiveness from Nataku for being so weak as to accept help, headed over to the oven. He turned a ring on and waited a few hours, going back to the table to check on the egg every few minutes. It STILL wasn't cooking…damned. 

Presently, Duo came in again, on a unicycle and lacking in Heero. 

"How's it going Wu-man?" he asked.

"Great. Almost done," Wufei told him seriously.

"Hm. Looks it too… Look, dude, it's a fun game to put the pan ON the ring, becaaaaaaARGHH!" He fell off the unicycle and lay unmoving on the floor. Heero came running in, picked him up, glaring at Wufei in a way that plainly said "how dare you will that unicycle to fall over and make my poor Duo who I love so very very very much fall off", and carried him out. Wufei was surprised, and a little touched, to see that Heero actually had tears on his face, and hoped Maxwell would be alright…

Wufei thought back to what Duo said so shortly before his untimely fall. He felt like a bit of fun - it would probably make the time it was taking the egg to cook go faster - so decided to have a go at playing Duo's fun game. He got the frying pan, complete with egg, and put it on the hot ring.

Suddenly the egg got up.

"You're mean and I don't like you very much!!" it screamed as it walked out of the door.

"Aw…fuck," said Wufei.

* * *


End file.
